The Ghost In My Machine

I'm different than the rest of you. This is not a good thing. Don't take this as ego, because my proclamation is the opposite of self satisfaction. I promise. I think I'm a good person; as much as I hate admitting it, a nice person. But I'm self destructive. I'm also difficult to the ones who love me. Is this intentional? Everything's somewhat intentional. We say to each other, "that's not what I meant" or "I didn't mean to do this or that". It's a lie. If you are something beyond a simpleton, then your complexity allows for you to be stupid, smart, meaningful, shallow, loving, hateful, understanding, intolerant, artful, and nothing. Where I'm different is, if you cut me open and studied my rings or tissues or hell, probably wires and circuitry with me, then you'd probably find, that I do mean well. I want to be the best and wish for the best for each of you. I love my family deeply and unconditionally. The problem is, I don't allow myself to fail. I don't allow myself to be normal. I know I'm full of crap. I write that a lot. Yet, I don't give myself a break and thus others, especially my wife and kids. I don't get depressed, another sign of my difference from many of you. I do beat myself up; so much so, that it hurts those around me.

When I was a kid, I had a digital alarm clock that displayed numbers like this^
For some reason, I was obsessed with thing. I have one like it in my bedroom now, just to look at. When I was eleven years old, I bought the album by The Police, Ghost in the Machine. It looked like this

It had the song Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic. I think that's one of the sweetest, sexiest songs ever written. Bobina likes it too, we should play it more. For years, I never listened to the whole record. I thought the album cover was so awesome, I used to display it in my room near my alarm clock and watch Blade Runner, the Harrison Ford science fiction classic. For me, at that time, I found robot nirvana. I think I just conflicted metaphors in an unholy way. Around age 14 or 15, I finally played the entire album and discovered the song, Demolition Man. For the first time, I identified with my anxiety, my difference. Read these lyrics, and you'll know where my head is at 92.3 percent of the time.

Oh! Demolition, demolition
Demolition, demolition
Tied to the tracks and the train's fast coming
Strapped to the wing with the engine running
You say that this wasn't in your plan
And don't mess around with the demolition man

Tied to a chair, and the bomb is ticking
This situation was not of your picking
You say that this wasn't in your plan
And don't mess around with the demolition man

I'm a walking nightmare, an arsenal of doom
I kill conversation as I walk into the room
I'm a three line whip, I'm the sort of thing they ban
I'm a walking disaster, I'm a demolition man
Demolition, demolition
Demolition, demolition

You come to me like a moth to the flame
It's love you need but I don't play that game
'Cause you could be my greatest fan
But I'm nobody's friend, I'm a demolition man

I'm a walking nightmare, an arsenal of doom
I kill conversation as I walk into the room
I'm a three line whip, I'm the sort of thing they ban
I'm a walking disaster, I'm a demolition man
Demolition, demolition
Demolition, demolition
Tied to the tracks and the train's fast coming
Strapped to the wing with the engine running
You say that this wasn't in your plan
And don't mess around with the demolition man
Tied to a chair, and the bomb is ticking
This situation was not of your picking
You say that this wasn't in your plan
And don't mess around with the demolition man

Inside each of us is a type of wiring. Some people are laid back. Others are hyper. Whatever the makeup of any specific person may be, in lies a truth. Most of you know yours. My wife does. I think my teenage daughter knows her. Like a small child or, dare I say, robot, I don't know mine. I'll be happy for  while, then completely lose focus and lash out at myself, or those around me. I'm not violent. That's ridiculous. I'm more of a whirling emotional dervish that wants to use the map to get from point A to point B, but then tries to overthink the shortcut that probably doesn't exist. That's my Demolition Man.

If a blog is a personal journal where you reveal yourself, then this is my Emo Declaration of Independence. Being content is the goal of so many. On the surface I have everything I need and want. A beautiful, fun, interesting, unique, and loving family that, despite what I have described, takes me into their hearts, regardless. I handle stress when I have to; work, sick kids, bills that have to be paid, the mundane crises. It's the other stuff, the focus, chi, energy center, I blow completely up.  If the devil is in the details, then I'm possessed by one hell of a demon. Instead of New Years Resolutions or self improvement, it may be time to exorcise the Ghost in my Machine.

Today's song is the aforementioned track off the Police album I used as bedroom decor in my teens. I heard it today on some obscure classic rock station. I think they played it by accident. My microchip sensors went haywire and picked it up right away. This is Demolition Man.