Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Father-Daughter Talk About Beauty

Every morning between 6:50am and 6:58am, my wife calls me. It's one of three reasons. She wants something brought to her at work for breakfast, there's an errand or something that needs to be done that day and she forgot to tell me about it, or our teenage daughter amazed her. Most mornings my wife drops Tay, our 15 yr old, off at her high school which is one mile down the same street from my wife's work. They use the ride to talk, laugh, and make fun me and our other two daughters. Two days ago, Bobina calls me and says "our daughter is amazing". I respond "yeah, I know, what did she do now?" Bobina relays her astonishment as how Tay gets out of the car, pony tailed, t-shirted,blue jeaned and little to no makeuped,  walking confidently into school surrounded by her peers who are dressed to or made up to the nines.



I'm a girl dad. By that I mean I have three daughters and a niece who stays with us quite often. I can't imagine being the father to a boy because I don't have any in my life and I don't think I would want any. I was a little boy. I didn't like myself much. Boys break stuff. They whine a lot. Later in life boys stay dumber longer than girls and they mature slower. For all the faux complaining I do about the 4 women I live with; changing their minds, being high maintenance, and being, well, crazy; I wouldn't want things any other way.

I tell my daughters and my wife they are beautiful several times a day. I say it because I mean it and because I know they deserve to hear it. When I was about my Tay's age, I was very close friends with a girl who had an older sister than everyone considered stunningly good looking. I thought she was a first rate pain in the arse, and I knew some dirt on her that made my stomach turn. Her younger sister, my friend, appreciated me seeing through her sister's bullcrap, and, combined with our mutual interests, made us close for a while. One day while hanging at my friend's house, she was getting ready for a school dance. My friend, feeling plain and unpretty, was being fussy over her dress, hair, and the other stuff girls lose their minds over. She emerged from the bedroom in some ensemble, I told her she looked great, her dad, watching a football game with little interest anything other than the game, barked from the side of his mouth, "it doesn't matter honey, you're the smart one, worry about that." I wanted to punch him in the face,and myself for being part of his gender. I lost touch with my friend after she graduated high school. I later wondered how those words, plus others she heard from her insensitive oaf of a dad, must have hurt her throughout her life.

Being a father in a blended family has certain mine fields to walk through. I didn't meet Tay til she was 12, and her younger sister, the Goose, til she was 3. Not having the benefit of bonding with them as babies , meant there was some clumsiness the first year or so. They don't always know I'm joking when I am. They don't always assume I'm being well meaning. There are nuances to each of our personalities that I, as the adult, have to deal with, so that they feel as loved and cared for, as much as their 7 year old sister, Bug, whose diapers I changed. I try to be careful when Christina Aquilera or someone famously pretty is on tv, the radio, or a movie. I want them to feel comfortable around me at all times, and me and their mom talking about objective beauty probably send a weird message. I know that they'll remember the compliments I give, but they'll never forget the negative things I say. That's another reason why I call my daughters and my wife beautiful every day, several times a day.



Tay not being handcuffed by what her peers think of her superficially is amazing. At age 15, I was the shortest boy in my class. I was skinny, had just gotten off the braces, and I was still laughing at the word boobies, much less knowing anything about the opposite sex. My innocence was only matched by ignorance which competed with my awkwardness. I cared about what everyone thought me. My wife tells me, despite being physical mature at 15, she was mentally, very childlike, and hampered by peer pressure. This makes us more inpressed than usual of our daughter's confidence.

I read a lot of blogs written by women. So many seem overwhelmed with angst about what they look like, how they look like, and who they look like. You can count on one post a week from a  female blogger being about pretty, ugly, fat, thin, gross, awkward, weight loss, weight gain, past beauty issues, or current beauty issues. I want to reach through the computer, give the writer a hug, and tell them to get over it and be happy with themselves. There's something wrong with that mindset, but as a dude, I have no clue what to do about it.

I don't think fathers talk to their daughters enough about beauty. Every dad, except for the one I knew in high school, thinks their girl is gorgeous, a princess, and special. But, really discussing why their daughters feel the need to gussy up for their friends who are boys, compete superfically with girls, and have to have to makeup, perfume, eyebrow wax, and push up bras isn't discussed enough. My other two daughters, while young for this subject - 7 & 6, are watching their older sister. I hope, like their parents, they are admiring their big dumb sister Tay, for her aura of comfortableness. I'm going to have to put by old fashioned ideas aside, learn to to reduce my squirm, and talk more openly with all three girls about the pretty. I owe it to them.

Today's song probably isn't lyrically copasetic but I'm always in the mood for Pearl Jam. I heard this song going to pick up my teenager the other day. It started the thought process for this blog. Here's Daughter, enjoy.



16 comments:

  1. I love this. This is a precious, unique, and deeply essential gift that only fathers can give to their daughters, the confidence that they have beauty in them. No matter how many other men tell a woman that she's beautiful, there is still a deep longing to hear it from the first man she ever loves. Nothing else can replace that. Your family is blessed.

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  2. You get it! You so get it! And your daughters are so lucky that you get it. Regardless of how you got there or how long you have been in their lives, your opinion counts in a monumental way. And the fact that you are intentional about making sure that they hear you when you say these positives things tells them that it is not just something you feel obligated to tell them, it is sincere and you mean it.
    I am sure that sometimes the things you say are met with eye rolling and indifference because that is what girls are best at, but know that even if they never admit it, it counts and they love it. Bravo for you, sir!

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  3. I love it! See, I can't see myself as a mother to girls. I'm a boy-mom. With all the breaking and whining and dirtiness... that's my hand. I LOVE that you respect your daughters and wife and that they are learning how men should treat women. Your family's amazing!

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  4. I love this post. That picture of a 15 yr old popping into school w/ confidence is what we pray for our daughter. I'm encouraged by seeing so many dads online--fellow oafs--keenly aware of the way we love and treat our families. Thanks for being one of the examples.

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  5. So sweet Lance! I'm so happy (as a single mom) to have girls.

    Also? Pearl Jam is my fave. :)

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  6. "There's something wrong with that mindset, but as a dude, I have no clue what to do about it." --

    Dude, yes there is and you're doing it. You recognize where dad fits into this. There seems to be this impression by many women that fathers talking about this topic is just silly, like we don't know what we are talking about. You already know my impressions on this topic. Don't buy into that, your daughters need you to clarify beauty. No one else could have the impact on this in this are of there lives more than you.

    Stop by on Friday for my next post on Manufactured Beauty....I'm probably gonna ruffle some momma feathers with this one.

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  7. Great point Chopper. My mother in law read this tonight and really seemed to agree with that sentiment. I think every issue deserves the attention of mom and dad, including beauty.

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  8. I think everyone--male and female--wants to be considered attractive. But as we all know, good looks only take you so far, and last only so long. Feeling like you are special, because of who you are on the inside, lasts a lifetime. By spending time with you daughters, you are making them feel special. You are reinforcing their internal worth. It is important to have a multitude of conversations, on a variety of topics--but ultimately, it is the time you spend with them that gives them the confidence to wear their skin proudly.

    Good for you Lance!

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  9. P.S.-- I have a daughter and a son and am thrilled to have them both. And they are teens! Imagine that.

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  10. Jen, that's kind of the point. Making your loved ones feel special regardless of looks is one thing but females seem more preoccupied with beauty than males....for the most part. I want the women in my house to feel good about themselves when they're not being told how awesome they are by me.

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  11. >>but females seem more preoccupied with beauty than males..

    Of course they do - it's genetic / it's biologic. And it's nothing to be ashamed of; it's part of being a human female. The insight a father can provide is that his daughter can achieve her place in the world through more than objective beauty by teaching her that a man will value a woman with a combination of positive characteristics, including the whole person, not merely the exterior shell.

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  12. YOU are an AMAZING father! Your daughters are lucky to have you. So was your friend!

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  13. NIce work! My dad did the same for me when I was growing up, and while it didn't make me immune to the pressure to be thin/ pretty/ perfect, it sure did help a whole lot in building my self esteem.

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  14. Now I'm all self-conscious. (whispering in my head: Did I ever post about my perceptions of my beauty? Or lack of them?)

    Nah, I think you hit the nail straight on the head. And Jules is right; your daughters are lucky to have you!

    Found you from Studio30Plus and I just about loved your blog's title.

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  15. This is so beautifully written. What you are doing for your daughters is so incredibly important. I can't say that I had that same kind of nurturing from my Dad- he pretty much kept us at arms length (with both physical affection and with praise). I have witnessed that my female friends who have strong, loving, mutually respectful relationships with their fathers have grown up to be strong, confident, secure and successful women. Keep up the good work :-)

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  16. @Mollie - cheerio, thanks for writing from across the pond. If you act all neurotic on your blog, I'll jump through the screen asap. You're added to the bog roll for such an occasion.

    @A Capp - eh, I appreciate the compliment and I just want them to reduce the neuroses in their later life as much as possible. Glad to hear about your friends good relationships with their dads.

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