Tuesday, June 15, 2010

My World Cup Is Half Full

I'll wait for you.. Go ahead and find the match. It's called a match not a game. The Ivory Coast (that's in Africa) is playing Portugal (that's the country next to Spain); they're starting the second half.

Ok, that noise that sounds like you are being attacked through your television or computer screen by a swarm of bees? That's thousands of people blowing into long horns called vuvuzelas. Yeah, it's annoying but you need to pay attention to the game, I mean match on the field; crap, I mean the pitch. They play on a pitch, not a field. Ok, the dude falling down like he's been shot with an elephant gun even though the other guy barely touched him? That's called flopping. Not flip flopping, that's a political thing. Flopping is like athletic acting. He's trying to get the official to call a penalty, crap, it's a card. Anyway, he's trying to draw a card so the other team will have to substitute and then open position on the field, pitch, sorry. Yeah, that clock constantly runs. Except in special situation, like an injury or something. Ok, they're running around passing the ball. When is someone going to score? Well, eventually. maybe not for the whole game. It's 0-0 right now. It could stay that way. This is the preliminary round. That's where 4 teams are grouped together, play each other and the best records move forward into the tournament. No, you don't have to win in the prelim round. You could actually reach the tournament due to points you accumulate through ties. So, some teams play safe in the prelim round to move on. You know, like Nascar drivers who accumulate top ten finishes to get to the Chase. Ok, why does the dude for Ivory Coast named Drogba have a cast on his arm and no one else? Well, he broke his forearm recently and he got medical clearance. As long as he doesn't use it as a weapon, on purpose or by accident. Weird, I know. Ok, you;re reading this and nothing has happened in the match. I know. It's like baseball where people stand around and then stuff happens. Except a clock moves and guys run a lot. Although it looks like they are running for no reason, they are positioning for a shot on goal. What's that? You haven't see a shot on goal. Well, in this World Cup the average shots on goal has been about 7 or 8. So you just have to be patient. Billions of people like soccer except it's called football in every country but the United States. I know. The United States football has big dudes in pads hitting each other and throwing touchdown passes. Soccer or this kind of football is about drama, anticipation, nationalism, and those darn vuvuzelas.

Ok, I've typed more than is actually happening in this game, crap, match with Portugal and The Ivory Coast. You don't have to watch. No one does. My daughter plays soccer. She loves it. I love that she loves it. A lot of these dudes are my height, 5'8", and they have abs, and they have names a lot of us can't pronounce. So, do me a favor. Watch something else. Just don't hate on me for watching Team USA and their terrific goalie Tim Howard try to shock the rest of the snooty football world. I won't hate on you in return.

Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! Not really. They're still passing the ball.

1 comment:

  1. BTW, if you feel so moved, vote here: http://www.gousabid.com/city/local/atlanta-ga to bring a World Cup to Atlanta, Georgia.