The First Gig

Looking through the maroon curtain, I saw several hundred people in the college amphitheater. Two female students were stooled onstage, tuning their acoustic guitars. I walked inside the mens bathroom, hearing my bandmates arguing. "No way in hell am I playing our first gig ever named samesexunicorns. I'd rather be stabbed in the eyes.", the bassist, Kraig, complained. Writing on the dingy wall above a urinal, Aaron, the drummer, said "stab spelled backward is bats." Seizing a moment, I proclaimed "Fine, this place is about to be rocked by The Stab Bats." No one said anything, we just happened.

*blogger's note* This is my contribution to @velvetverbosity 's 100 word challenge at http://velvetverbosity.com/ . This week's one word prompt is STABBED or DEB BATS spelled backward. This is based on a partially true of a college's friend's band, in 1991, who renamed themselves before their first gig, minutes before playing. It was their only performance.

The Bad Word

I have written a lot, lately, about the things going well in my life. It is now time for me to be honest about my biggest failure, my language. I don't curse, I don't use slurs, and I don't talk down to women. I talk like my teenage daughter.

She enjoys making fun of me. If she wasn't giving me the business, something would be wrong with our relationship. Yet, I realize that her disapproval of some of the words I use is not only rational, it's right. A few nights ago I was watching San Diego State play Navy in the Who Gives A Flip College Football Is Insanely Greedy For Sponsoring A Game Featuring These Teams Bowl. San Diego State has a running back who is excellent at football. He was scoring his second touchdown and my daughter, Tay, seen here:

was walking through the room and heard me say "that dude is beast", I saw her stare at me, roll her eyes, and then I said "or tight, legit, money, sick or whatever, you know". Suddenly, under the critical eye of an almost 15 year old, I was reduced to blather more suited to a cast member if the movie Clueless.

I have several friends, real and online, with kids in the same age range. They report similar issues with either trying to relate to their teen children through music, movie, or vocabulary. Twitter has become a great resource for antecdotal evidence that a lot of 40 year olds (my age) talk or at least tweet like, 15 year olds (my daughter's age, in 10 days). I see the words holla, aight, whatever, pshaw, k, lol, omg, viral, woot, like, you know, and countless others that probably shouldn't come from the mouths or keyboards of anyone over the age of 20.

Now it's time to show my age. Almost 30 years ago, Moon Unit Zappa, the then teenage daughter of alternative rock musician Frank Zappa, released the song Valley Girl, which spawned a memorable movie starring a teenage Nicolas Cage.

Moon Unit, with her dad's genius production, made a novelty song hilighting the verbal gymnastics Southern California teenage girl engaged in with words like, grody, to the max, gag me with a spoon, as if, like, ya, and many other words that would make English professors want to find a shotgun and lose their minds. I remember my parents thinking me, and my friends had lost our minds when we started mimicking the language. Funny this is, my parents didn't follow suit. Whereas, I have, and so has my wife and our friends.

I'm a word nerd. I used to study the dictionary and thesaurus in my room growing up. I wanted to go into sports broadcasting as a teenager. I had a southern accent, and wanted to lose it so badly that by my freshman year of college I sounded like I was from the Midwest or Northeast. My diction was unnaturally clean. I also did not use Valley Girl words or hip hop culture stables like holla, aight, yo, or bomb diggity.

I find it difficult writing my 100 word entries, my fiction, or even a friendly story review for a friend, without tossing in a non sequiter or some slang. My favorite song of 2010 was American Slang by The Gaslight Anthem. While the song was brilliant, I couldn't escape lazy verbiage. It's endemic, though. I work around men and women who are middle aged and they mix in slang and teenage talk without realizing they're doing it. This isn't me writing about how the world is headed to hell in a handbasket because we talk like Jay Z or Ke$ha. Music is headed to hell in handbasket because of it, but the world itself is ok. I am going to make it a goal of mine in 2011 to talk more my age. Act my age, absolutely not. I have a blog and a twitter account for goodness sakes. I will leave the young slang and the hip hop lingo to my daughter and the teenage kids of Chris/@DxPepper, Nee Cee/@DDubsLilDDub, C/ @onesmarmymama, Corrine/@Corrine224, @& Heather/@MrazFan19 (they all responded to my twitter poll on the subject). My wife is on the spot too. She's pretty and all but the woman talks like Vampire Diaries cast member.

It's funny, I learn more from my kids than I do from people my own age these days. The cooler I try to act around Tay, the less cool I am to her. She wants me to be the big goober dad type I sould be, which means seen, not heard. I'll continue to embarrass her as much as possible, but I'll make sure to say the latest Eminem record is well done hip hop as opposed to phat beat that blow up my speakers, dawg. See, that reads as stupid as it sounds.

Peace...out

I mean, the end. Good night.

L

http://huff.to/eOOdeV

Yes It Does....The Thorns N Roses Meme

It's just me, my guitar, and a roll of quarters in this all night laundry mat in Dallas, Texas. I just called my stripper girlfriend and I heard another man's voice in the background. You know what happens, now. I turn into rock and roll hack.



Ok, I found my motivation. Earlier this year I ran across Jana on twitter. She lives nearby and is a huge Auburn fan. I decided to not hold that against her and she along with other bloggers I met this year became good friends. Jana is good writer and shes rocks a blog called Jana's Thinking Place, found here: http://janasthinkingplace.com/ . Two days ago she had a good idea. Each day, her husband, Jason, and their son Henry commiserate around the fireplace with a good book, some warm milk, and talk about their day (I like to throw things in that probably aren't accurate for artistic purposes). They ask their grade school age son three questions. What was your thorn, or bad part, of your day? What was your rose, or your good part of your day? What is your rosebud, or something you look forward to tomorrow? This helps them bond with their child, talk about each of their days, and serves as an excellent family tool.





She asked her blogging buddies, this is where I come into play, to create a meme, which is internet for , um, something blogalistic that blogging people throw against the wall to see if it sticks. So, here is my Thorns N Roses (loved their first record then they got poppy and corporate) and Rosebud meme:

Thorn: I did a lot of personal evalution this year. I decided to put my wife and kids first, regardless of consequence. This caused some other relationships to end. I will miss those relationships, but everything has a beginning, middle and end. While the end was difficult, I am happy with the results.

Rose(s): 1) Putting Bobina and my daughters first has made my marriage and fathering duties blossom. The last few months of the year has seen my family grow like I never thought possible. Everyone is getting along, realizing their purposes, and Bobina and I are happier, individually and together more than we ever have been. There are times we look at each other and say "there has to be something we can argue about?" then we just laugh and go about our day.

2) getting into the new house in November has made everything in our family better. The dog has a backyard to play, lounge, and eat in. The kids have more room for creative pursuits, playtime, and doing their homework. Tay the teenager is even cheerier, well, as cheery as almost 15 year olds get, because she has more room, more time, and more resources. Bobina and I have a home, not a place we stay, but a home. It made us less stressed.

3) I am writing. I have always written, but never this steadily over a 12 month period. I have begun my first book. I am more satisfied with this blog compared to the others I have attempted. I have irons in the fire for 2011 to write more.

Rosebud: I only agreed to do one of these because Citizen Kane is my favorite movie and rosebud is so prominent in that film. 1) the writing stuff, alreday mentioned. 2) A new project with work, which will mean so much to my career. It starts this spring in southern Maryland. 3) Building new friendships with people like Jana and her family, Andrew aka @kidcue, Jeff aka @THEbrickwall and the most important one, Bobina. I have never had a best friend like her.

I can't get Jana's fancy pants Thorns N Roses button to work so just go to her blog and check out hers and other contributions. Bobina the new blogger is supposed to be dropping her meme tonight.

Happy New Year

Nevermind

Dawn was minutes away. Light began to move over the dark sky, and she closed the broken blinds. He stared at her carefree posture. She fell awkwardly onto the bed next to him. They were dead. Not to the rest of the world but to themselves. Two distilled spirits mixed together that no one would imbibe. He touched her round, smooth face, brought her dirty blonde hair to his nose, sniffed and said, "you smell like defiance". Barely paying attention, she blinked, and responded, "what?" Enraptured but scared by their dysfunctional bond, he looked away and answered "nevermind".

*blogger's note* : 100 words is back. @velvetverbosity and her http://velvetverbosity.com/ 100 word challenge is in business for the New Year. This is my entry for this week. The one word prompt is SPIRIT. There's a musical theme here. Hope you get it.

So, Johnny says to Lance

Everything has a name

then Lance says to Johnny

except for the Horse in the America song

then Johnny says to Lance

That is true. I probably don't believe them though (let's get a pint and new tattoos and score some birds)

*note* the part in parentheses was fictionalized for artistic purposes.

Listen, I don't brag about myself. Ever. Really. At all. I do, however boast on my friends and aquaintences. Based on the twitter conversation between myself and Johnny Marr, former guitar player for The Smiths, The The, Modest Mouse and now current band leader of The Cribs I think I can call Johnny my dearest mate, as he would say since he's from across the pond, and he is an amazing guitar player, songwriter and gifted tweeter.

Dear mom, dad, Bobina, other less informed friends and family, twitter does matter. It brings two people like me and the rock and roll legend Johnny Marr together. Now, before I end up in LA or London hanging with Johnny, talking tunes, writing, and playing guitar, I want all of you little people to know, I won't think about any of you while it's happening. My more important friend, Johnny Marr, the lead guitarist of the greatest rock bands in history, The Smiths, would see things the same as I.

ok, the sardonic, satirical portion of the blog post is done. For real, people, I'm on my sixth heart attack of the night. I'm sitting on the couch, watching the Atlanta Hawks-Golden State Warriors game and Johnny Marr tweets and then I tweet and then he tweets me back and suddenly I'm 18 in my college dorm room listening to The Queen is Dead over and over again. Who says twitter is dumb? Riki Rachtman, Ralph Macchio, a few other athletes and sportswriters have tweeted back, but a guitar legend, a rock god, a superstar, the GUITAR PLAYER FOR THE SMITHS!

I'd like to thank Bobina for signing me up for twitter a couple of years ago. I'd like to thank Jen aka @Jen_eration_X & Deedra aka @SportsTalkWithD for getting me involved in a stupid twitter conversation about bad 1970 songs so that when Johnny Marr tweeted I had Horse with No Name by America in my head, otherwise I would have just sat there like an idiot, now, Johnny Marr and I are boys. I'd like to thank Andrew aka @kidcue for keeping me on twitter for the Hawks game tonight. Most of all I'd like to thank Johnny Marr. He's one of the greatest musicians and his music kills boredom.

Ok, I need a moist towelette, some anxiety meds, and the Meat is Murder album. God Bless you all.

Here's some Johnny Marr:

http://www.johnnymarr.net/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgxEJOi6GtA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INgXzChwipY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INgXzChwipY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AlH2oYedfk

Rise Today

Finding motivation during the dead week that is December 26th through January 2nd is difficult for some. Everyone I work with is either taking the week for vacation or operating at half staff. I am "working from home" Tuesday through Thursday until 1pm, that;s when Bobina gets home from her job. Working from home is code for playing with my six year old,the Goose (Bug and Tay are at their other families) , loading and listening to my ipod, doing numerous household chores, and of course, rockin' twitter.

I have been getting a jumpstart on 2011 (mentioned in the previous post, titled Next) by organizing work tasks, writing a lot, and working on my relationships with Bobina and Goose. Goosey cleaned her room to a Princess like level this morning without even smarting off, much less arguing. I might actually rule at this parenting gig.

I am instituting a new feature. Since the title of this blog is My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog, I need to maintain some level of masculinity/toughness so you all won't accuse me of false adverstising. Each post will have a song of the day. The first three songs I listened to this morning, Rusty Cage - Soundgarden, Cochise - Audoslave and this one, from Alter Bridge, Rise Today. The lyrics match my attitude and outlook right now. Atlanta Falcons fans should like it, Rise Up. I will now go change the world by playing barbies with Goose.

Next

I can be incredibly stupid and completely crazy. I make and follow New Years resolutions. A few years ago, I made major changes in my life. I made promises to myself and kept most of them. Then I met Bobina and the girls and realized I needed to be even better than I thought I could be. One way I do this is take the week between Christmas and and the New Year and figure stuff out.

I am taking stock of 2010, reviewing what I did right and wrong, and trying to see how I can improve. Some of you will read this and think I'm this sad, unhappy dude who needs to be overachieving to be fulfilled. I assure you it's quite the opposite. If nothing else inproved with my life, today, December 26th 2010, then sweet. I'd be wine fine. What I like to think, or some would say, overthink, is what can I accomplish that could make me a better husband, father, employee, writer, blogger, and over all dude. I have some things in mind. Yes, you can hold me to these December 26th of 2011. I will give a whole 5 dollars to the first person that does. There, it's on the innerwebz, come and get me.

Husbandry -

If you haven't see it, my beautiful wife has taken to blogging and twittering: @deana_bo and http://mythoughtsonthesubjectareasfollows.blogspot.com . Her first entry is a wake call for me to listen more, be more patient, and take it what's important between the two of us. Of course, to track my success with this, you'll have to ask her. I'm sure she's be honest. That's sarcasm, kids, smell it?

Daddyering -

I've made some strides here. I live with 3 daughters, ages 14 (she'll be 15 on the 12th of January), 7, and 6. I have been more patient and talkative with them. Their behavior has reflected this. I want to be more involved in their educations. It's tough being a blended family and only seeing Bug, the 7 yr old, on Thursdays and Fridays. We make her do her homework and read to us on those nights. Goose, the 6 yr old, is blazing through kindergarten like she owns the whole thing. She's so anxious to show us what she's learning, that I'm trying to slow down and let her go through everything, you know, like the 50 times she wants to. The teenager is tough, She doe sher homework at her own pace and her studying is kind of unique, yet she makes great grades with advanced classes. I am going to start forcing myself to be more assertive about seeing what she does and how she does it all. I'll have the kids guest blog and guest tweet to see where my parenting progress goes. If any of them get arrest over the next 365 days then that will tell you all something as well.

Work - I don;t talk about it much here, because I like my job and want to keep it in 2011. I will be more organized and thorough, which is tough for a type A, anxiety type like me. Maybe I'll have my boss okay my evaluations for blog posting. LOL.

Writer -  

I will write a book in 2011. I have 8 chapters down. I am currently combining two different novel ideas. Also, my boy Chuck aka @_deadjournalist has approached me about contributing to his site http://deadjournalist.com/ He is an outstanding music writer that I admire. I am honored he'd even ask. I will be writing something for him over the week. Hopefully it will become something regular. I used tow rite my own music blog several years ago and it was one of the best thinsg I have ever done, artistically. I will be more active on others' blogs especially @velvetverbosity 's 100 words at http://velvetverbosity.com/ and flash fiction sites, once I find one I enjoy.

Blogging -

Since starting this site in May, I have never personally enjoyed something, writing wise, as http://lance-myblogcanbeatupyourblog.blogspot.com/ . It's not as "successful" as the old music blog was, but the people I've met and interacted with are a lot more interesting and likable. Trying to relate things sports, pop culture, music, twitter, general news, and the written word to my life is difficult sometimes, but even when I suck, I enjoy it. I will blog more, better, and be more interactive. Right now, the site is averaging about 70 hits a day, with a loyal audience of about 40. I'd liek to grow that by 3 times in 2011. Having over 120 or so visting every other day would be satisfying to me. But if it's the same 40 of us, we'll just be cooler than the "popular" blogs. Thanks for reading, those of you who do.

Do you make resolutions or goals for each year? If so, what and why? I think about the future more than I do the past. I've written about it so much, it's kind of redundant to mention it again. With my family situation and possible work situation - there's a likely gig in southern Maryland that could turn into a move for me and my bunch - I am more concerned about tomorrow than yesterday.

As far as today goes, there's 4 inches of snow on the ground, in suburban Georgia, with more coming. I have a new ipod (thanks Tay) and football is coming on in an hour. I'll think about tomorrow on the 27th....or when the battery runs out on the ipod.

Merry Happy New Year

Lance

The Line

We are in the middle of an imposing gauntlet of family gatherings. They started last Saturday at my Aunt Angie and Uncle Paul's and will end at my father in law's bunch the day after Christmas. Eight appointments in eight days covering four sides of a blended family. That's a lot of mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Tonight, as I pleasantly observed my three daughters, wife, mother in law, father in law, sister in law, niece and daughter's friend who is a boy, eat ham, toss around wrapping paper, play games, and show off their new gifts, I thought of how comfortable we were with each other and how others would find some of what we do, say, eat, play, and think; odd or even crazy, but it was perfect for our part of the family. The last thing I would ever want would be for someone who didn't under stand us to judge it all incorrectly. There were playful insults, inside jokes, fun loving needling and over the top family humor that a videotape would have shown wrongly. We were so happy in the moment.

Rex Ryan, the coach of one of my favorite football teams,  the New York Jets, had to stand in a  room of strangers, and some friends, along with his employer and listen to questions about a personal videotape made years ago, between he and his wife. The details are theirs, and I find them gross, but let's just say there was a fetish some find weird. A disreputable website published the tape and now Ryan and his wife face public embarrassment over something they found ok, unique, interesting, and of course, very personal.

I relate to what Rex Ryan is going through. A few years ago, I blogged something I shouldn't, used very poor judgement, and regretted it, felt embarrassment, and still face consequences. I crossed a line I shouldn't have, and it appears the Ryans did too. It doesn't make them bad people, nor did my mistake make me a bad person, but now is the harsh light of public persecution that makes me feel so very sorry for them. I hope they are made stronger because of it all.

When I walked into my in laws home, a video was playing. It was a collection of pictures of my mother in law's family including me. There were pictures of her brothers, mother, father, cousins, daughters, and grandchildren. Tender moments that told stories of joy, sadness, belonging and family played for several minutes. They were still pictures made into a video, like a slide show. I started thinking of what I wasn't seeing; seconds or minutes after each picture was happening. Then I stopped myself. It was none of my business. The still shots told enough of a story that I didn't need backstory, gossip, or juicy details. That's the problem with so many of us. Instead of being happy with our own lives we have to be worried about others. It is what is feeding the Rex Ryan story and other things that are too much information.

I have a twitter account and a personal blog. I post pictures of my family and friends. I talk about silly, sometimes touching instances that happen to them and myself. I try to know the line and not to cross it. Since I'm a writer, I write, a lot. Most of it doesn't make it to the blog. There are things I want to say or write but know that I don't need to. Often, I read the blogs of my friends and fellow writers and I geta  little jealous that I am not more revealing. Then I think about what people, who do not have me or my family's best interests at heart, would think or do with out of context information; and I practice restraint. I am honest, very honest. The Ryans were certainly honest with their unfortunate video, but I enjoy the cocoon of appropriateness my wife, kids, and other family members can live inside knowing I would never release them.

Its a daunting Indiana Jones adventure my family is living through right now. Dodging sweet potato pie and casseroles while picking up a a gift card and leaf blower here or there. Can't wait to update you all on SOME of it, just not ALL of it. Here's the Claus sisters Bobina and Bubba aka Deana and April, my wife and sister in law:

 Happy Christmas, so far.....

Inside The Blogger's Studio

I have been meaning to post this dream I had and I haven't been able to figure it all out. Then my boy Jack aka @TheJackB on twitter, did his own Inside The Blogger's Studio post on his groundbreaking, award winning, Earth altering blog, http://wwwjackbenimble.blogspot.com/ a couple of days ago and the pressure was on for me to complete my post.

If you haven't seen Inside The Actor's Studio on the A&E channel; it's hosted by this ironically pompous old actor named James Lipton. He "runs" an offshoot of the original Actor's Studio in New York that Al Pacino, gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman and many other acting heavyweights came from. Lipton sits by a desk with a stack of index cards piled high enough to reach the Earth's atmosphere, and interviews an actor, comedian, or entertainment personality, sometimes associated with the Actor's Studio. The audience is full of acting students, fans, and artist types that make Star Wars nerds seem kind of cool. Sometimes the interviews are revealing, even funny. Kevin Spacey did one where he showed off his talent for impersonations and the hour actually flew by. The point of the whole thing is the unintentional laughter between self absorbed individuals, Lipton and the ham actor, and the fawning of the audience. The bizarro world interplay is strangely intriquing to watch.

The end of the each show, Lipton show off his pretention and predilection for haughty French stuff by asking a series of questions froma  questionaire created by Bernard Pivot. This is always the best part of the program because it either reveals the interviewee's perosnality or lack thereof. In my dream, Lipton was interviewing me. I was predictably self involved. I talked too much. I said some things that I probably shouldn't. I was heckled by my wife, kids, and Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez. I then did my six impressions: Eddie Vedder, Jon Gruden, Vince Neil, Jack Nicholson, Vin Scully and Al Pacino. Here are my responses to the questionaire:

1. What is your favorite word?   SUPERFLUOUS
2. What is your least favorite word? POOP
3. What turns you on? INTELLIGENT CONVERSATION
4. What turns you off? SELF-ABSORPTION, not mine, but others
5. What sound or noise do you love? BOBINA's LAUGH
6. What sound or noise do you hate? BURPING
7. What is your favorite curse word? well, James, I don't curse, and neither does my father. when I was a child he would make up words, and I would find that so funny. His best one was "goshamickey!"
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? SONGWRITING
9. What profession would you not like to do? POLITICS
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? - we've been waiting for you. Your grandparents are right over here.

I'm anxious to hear your responses. Please be as indulgent and arrogant as possible. It would match my dream and the show.

GO

Fudge

Tay made fudge. It's so good, I feel like I'm doing drugs with a gaggle of groupies in the penthouse suite of the Waldorf Astoria in New York City while and my bass player is tossing a a big screen television out a window. It's that decadent. Chocolate, homemade, warm, thick, and perfectly mixed; this stuff is perfect.  It shows me how extreme emotions can be so misguided. I feel comfortable. Flipping the tv between an Atlanta Hawks basketball game, Atlanta Thrasher hockey game, and Monday Night NFL football while licking food heroin off a spoon. None of this is good for me. Now, I put the spoon down, check on the girls, they're sleeping well, and Bobina's breathing better. She's on the mend. I love them. I like the fudge.

My problem with the extreme emotions are for trivial things. While Christmas shopping this week, I saw people stressing over not finding their children the right gifts or over items they felt were priced incorrectly. Now, on this football game, grown men are spewing adjectives that should be reserved for the dude who cures cancer, for a 41 year old quarterback with morality problems, declining skills, a tendency to commit turnovers. One announcer actually said "I love watching him play football. It makes all if this worthwhile." Really? It's football, dude. I played it, followed it, and cheer for it a lot. It's football. It's something to like, a lot, not love.

This happens in my life often. I live with 4 women, including a teenager. They love some odd things. Clothes, pop songs, doritos, pop tarts, over the hill singing stars, bad television shows about reprehensible teenage vampires and unlikable Seattle doctors, and certain scents from Bath and Body Works. For some reason, maybe because I'm just a certifiable weirdo, I never use the word love, great or hate unless it pertains to my family. I like the New York Jets, Atlanta Falcons, chicken marsala, sweet tea, pumpkin pie (ok i may love that), Christina Aquilera (also debatable), hockey, grilling, writing, the Atlanta Braves, the University of Alabama, sushi, the number 7, summer, the beach, twitter, and blogging. I love my wife, my three daughters, my dog, my mom and dad, my sister in law, my niece, my mother and father in laws, my close friends, and a few other family members. Ok, fine I love pumpkin pie, red velvet cake, and writing. Still, the emotion people show for material things and trivial things confounds me.

When it comes to emotions and language we all should be renting, not buying. They're temporary. Love your family, love your friends (the good ones), like everything else or you will be disappointed often.

The adoration shown people like Brett Favre, Oprah, Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga, Sarah Palin, Tim Tebow, various politicians, and any other pop culture figure is ignorant. Go kiss your significant other, hug your kids, and invest in less emotional pursuits. You'll be a lot happier.

Good grief, I may find a vein and mainline this fudge, I Loooo, really like it.